I have had issue my entire life with being stuck in who am I and what do I want to do and be when I grew up. I never truly learned how to bond and connect to people in a healthy manner. This due mostly to the fact that i grew up in a two parent home to the outside world was like the Cosby family, but inside it was detached, neutral in love and bonding. I realize my parents were providers and disciplinarians for the most part and void of the love and special care that I and my sister required. My sister who is brilliant has undiagnosed mental health issues which my mother blames me for...wow and really. I guess that has made it easier to accept. My sister and I are estranged due to her flipping out when i had my child and she tried to make me look like an unfit mother so FAMILY SERVICES would get involved. My father is deceased. My mother who lived vicariously through my sister, despite her mental state, is now estranged from my sister as well who is waiting for her to die to get the house, sad but true. Well my mother is now hanging by a thread a waoting to die because life without my sister in it is like Hell on Earth to her, especially because my mother has no friends, isolates herself from people unless there is something they can do for her. My mother pretty much let it be known my sister was the preferred child our entire lives. I dealt with it but it resulted in me clinginging to anyone and everyone who would embrace me or take me into their families. All of my relationships have had a certain level of unhappiness, disconnection and me just going along with the program until I or other people removed me from their lives. Many of my relationships woth people have been dysfunctional because for the most part I did not know they were unhealthy because situations, behaviors, actions, attitudes etc...mimicked that which i grew up with and i did not deem the relationships to be unhealthy and settled into more unhealthiness. Fast forward. Due to rejection from within my own family structure i fought hard with people pleasing, lying, pretending to be happy when not and trying to recreate or create family like connections with people who treated me just like my own family, but now within in their own. I wanted to be liked and live so much I behaved with and still do with men as if we are married and try to create an atmosphere of connected, stable family life, loving them and their kids and family as my own or the way i wish i could in my own family. And once these guys picked up on this woman wants more than sex they were outta there leaving me drained and rejected, again feelings I\'m used to in my family. It\'s quite sad, but the hand I\'ve been dealt. I recently released a lot of people from my life to finally deal with and learn who i really am. Im tge better for this. I learned in doing this that the froendships i formed were unhealthy from the start...lots of people like the unhealthy friend, the needy froend, the unconnected friend, the lonely friend, the lying friend....that kind of friend strokes their ego, shines the light on your flaws and not theirs....what an unhealthy waste!! I\'ve learned a great many lessons from my chosen walk in life and now i choose me!!!! I\'m 52 about to be 53 and Im stuck in trying to fit into other peoples lives. I want to be healthy. Behind all of this masking i have had fibroids that resulted in a complete hysterevtomy. No more chance to reproduce the type of family i wanted to raise differently than my own. This lead to great depression. Now i have gallstones that require possibly surgery. Praying i wont need it. My job is now unfulfilling and I dont know what i can do next. I did not complete my masters. Im stuck!!! I have lived in the same house for 20 years and kept it to be economical while raising my daughter as a single parent while all along secretly jealous watching so called friends moving on and up in the world. Like i said i released a lot of people who report me to be a liar and undependable and i feel better for having done so, but i need to move on in my new life and i dont know how. Im just going through the motions. I want everything stolen from me back!!! I want to now be the person God intended for me to be. Pray that i release my mommy, daddy, sister and friendship issues and finally come into my own. A lot of people encourage me positively, but i hinder myself on various levels subconsciously and unconsciously. So pray for transformation and renewal of self and direction, promotion, completion of things in my life, restored belief in myself and a healthier, happier, prosperous life with no regrets. Im not a strange person, but I do and allow strange things to happen. These things i ask and pray in Jesus name Amen. Thanks for letting put up my lengthy post.
Received: December 17, 2017